I have a confession. I have been walking around with a story in my head for the last nine months. The kind of story that has caused me much heartache and recurrences of grief.
My husband had told me last fall that he was done having children, and I made up a story in my head that he didn’t want to have anymore children with me–that if I died, and he got remarried, he’d want to have more children with some other woman, but with me? No.
Last night, when I finally got the courage to tell my husband my story, he was quick to let me know, in the most loving way he could, that I got the story wrong. I had been believing a huge lie from the enemy (he goes by many names– the devil, the yetzer hara, the ego, it’s all the same thing) and I allowed myself to be afraid, to feel rejected, to become resentful and ungrateful for what I have–a loving, generous husband and three beautiful souls dedicated to serving G-d.
I am confessing this, because if you have a story you have been telling yourself, I want you to know you are not alone. We all tell ourselves stories, and they are usually not true. If we can be brave enough to confront the content of our stories and talk to the people we love about them, we might just find out we’ve been believing a lie and finally be able to find freedom and peace.
Hashem wants to give us freedom and peace, but He never forces Himself inside to fix our problems. We know He is there at the door waiting; all we have to do is surrender our need to feel like we’re in control, and let Him come in and expose the lies to the Light of His beautiful countenance.
Hashem’s reality is so much better than anything we can imagine.