What Do You Want?

Have you ever come to a place in your life, where you have so obviously been placed at a crossroads? It seems as if out of no where someone or something smacks you back into reality and a voice says, Hey. What do you want? What do you really want? Do you want to continue down this road, or do you want a major course correction that will drastically improve your life? I’ve been letting you do things your own way. I’ve been patient, but we’re headed into very dangerous territory, and if you don’t surrender, if you don’t let me fix this, I can’t guarantee that your life will be all that great moving forward.

This is exactly what happened to me. I had been walking around with a ton of personal baggage and it was ruining my life–my marriage, my relationship with my kids. In my case, it was a fear of rejection.

Have you ever been hurt over and over again by people? People who made assumptions about you, people who teased you, people who just plain didn’t like you for no reason that you could think of? Have you ever been so utterly rejected that you just want to die, because you can’t for the life of you figure out why another person wouldn’t or couldn’t cherish you?

That recurring rejection left to build up over time instead of dealing with can really affect the relationships with the people who actually do love you. Because of the past hurts, you can start to walk around with a shell of armor on, so that even the love other people are trying to give you are deflected and you can’t receive it. That was my problem.

Every time my husband would try to reach out to me and connect and get close, I snarled and snapped back at him like a hurt dog. It reached a climax back in August when I finally had that voice say, What do you want, Sarah? What do you really want? Do you want to be alone? Do you think anyone else is going to put up with you as you have acting? What about your kids–what kind a future do you think they are going to have if you keep this up?

For a week, I was in prayer, seeking, surrendering, deciding, writing verses, and scribbling lists of character traits, describing what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of life I wanted to live. What a gift! Hashem prepared my heart, and when it came time to talk with my husband about our relationship, our family, I could look at him and all the protective armor was gone, and his walls came down too.

No marriage is perfect, and I know mine never will be, but I am so thankful that that little voice spoke to my heart and asked that one little question in my deepest, darkest hour, and that I had just enough courage to answer the question.

The good thing is we don’t have to get into a crisis, before we ask ourselves, “What do you want?” So I want to encourage you, if you’re even slightly unhappy, depressed, chaotic, or feeling restless, ask yourself, “What do you really want?” I promise He is faithful. You won’t be disappointed. He will show you what is at the deepest core of your being and give you the strength to reach out and grasp it. He is the G-d of miracles, after all.